Domestic Violence and Abuse: You’re Not Alone

Domestic violence and abuse happens when one partner or spouse acts to boss, intimidate, manipulate, and control the other. Sometimes domestic abuse is carried out with words (verbal abuse). The abuser may work to damage the victim’s self-worth (emotional abuse). When the abuser uses physical violence against a spouse or partner, it is called domestic violence.

An abuser will use anything to wear down the partner or spouse and get the other person under his thumb. He won’t hesitate to make you feel guilty, ashamed, or afraid. He will do anything to get total control over you and to keep you there once he’s got you there. And of course, an abuser can be a male or a female, even if we’re using the word “he” in this article.

Don’t expect an abuser to be fair. He won’t be fair. He’ll threaten you, go back on his word, hurt you, or hurt people you care about if you don’t do as he says.

Domestic violence or abuse happens in every part of society, affecting those with lots of money and those with not enough. It happens to people of all colors, religions and ages. It happens to both men and women. Domestic violence is a tragic, equal opportunity phenomenon.

It is important to remember this: domestic violence and abuse are never okay. It doesn’t matter who the abuse comes from and it doesn’t matter what excuse is given for the abuse. Every human being deserves to feel safe. Every human being deserves respect. Every human being matters.

Recognizing Domestic Violence and Abuse

Domestic violence often begins with domestic abuse. That is why it is important to recognize domestic abuse, before things progress to violence. You want to get help before things get worse.

Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to recognize domestic abuse. In domestic violence, there may be outward signs to see, such as a black eye, or bruising. Domestic abuse, on the other hand, may not be visible to the eye. Difficult as it is to spot, it is crucial to recognize all types of domestic abuse and violence,  because domestic violence and abuse are dangerous. Recognizing the signs of domestic violence and abuse is the first step toward getting help

Domestic abuse may begin with threats or nasty insults and then move on to actual violence. Getting injured is a serious thing, and probably the thing most people worry about when they think about domestic violence and abuse. They may even worry that lives could be in danger. Those who suffer under verbal or emotional abuse, however, can tell you that the psychological damage can be quite severe. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive can leave you feeling worthless, anxious, depressed, lonely, and stuck because you may feel you have no way to escape the abuse and torment.

The most important thing the victim of domestic violence and abuse can do is to recognize the situation for what it is (abuse) and seek help. That is the only way to get free of the pain. You can’t do anything about the pain if you will not recognize and admit the cause.

Signs of Domestic Violence and Abuse

What if you’re not sure you’re in an abusive relationship? Well, it’s true that nobody is perfect. Sometimes people are not respectful to their partners, or act manipulative. This is not the same thing as domestic violence and abuse.

So how can you know you’re in an abusive relationship? The most obvious sign that things have gone horribly wrong is if you live in fear of your partner. You are afraid to open your mouth because anything you say, can and will be used against you. You never know when something you say will be used by your partner as a weapon against you.

You are walking on eggshells. You are in constant fear that something you say will blow things up into a huge fight. Or you’re afraid he’ll hurt you.

These are signs that you are in an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

After the fear there are the other things: he always makes fun of you, puts you down, tries to make over any idea you have or anything you try to accomplish. You hate yourself. You feel like there’s no hope for you, no way out. You feel desperate to change things, to make things okay, but there is no way to do that.

The Abusive Relationship Quiz

The more “yes” answers you have, the more likely it is that you are in an abusive relationship.

You:

• Are you afraid of your partner most of the time?
• Do you avoid certain topics of discussion because you don’t want to make him angry?
• Do you feel you deserve to be hurt or treated badly?
• Do you ever wonder if you’re the one who’s not normal?
• Do you feel dead inside?
• Do you feel helpless?

Your Partner:

• Does he purposely embarrass you?
• Does he yell at you?
• Does he criticize you and belittle you?
• Are you embarrassed for your friends and family to know how he treats you?
• Does he ignore your successes or make fun of your opinions?
• Does he blame you for his abusive behavior to you?
• Does he see you as something he owns, rather than a person and partner of equal worth?
• Does he have a bad temper?
• Is his behavior unpredictable?
• Does he threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Has he hurt you?
• Has he threatened to take away or hurt your children?
• Does he say he’ll kill himself if you leave him?
• Does he force you to do things you don’t want to do?
• Does he break or destroy things you own that are important to you?
• Is he very jealous?
• Does he decide where you can go and what you do?
• Does he forbid you to see your friends and/or family?
• Does he prevent you from using the car or the phone?
• Does he limit how much money you can have?
• Is he always checking on you?

Domestic Violence and Abuse: When He Hurts You

Physical violence means that physical force is used to injure and physically hurt or harm a person. It’s a crime to purposefully hurt someone no matter who does it, how serious or mild the injury, and whether it happens inside or outside of your home. Your spouse or partner may tell you that you can’t do anything about it, but that’s not true. The police can arrest the abuser and give you protection. Note that sexual abuse is also a form of physical abuse, and is considered domestic violence, too, when the abuser is your partner or spouse.

You might think that it’s not really physical abuse if your wounds aren’t that bad, or not as bad as what you’ve seen on television. But that’s not true. You might think you’re not a victim of domestic violence if your partner was only violent to you once or twice. Also not true. Once a partner has been violent, even mildly so, chances are he’ll do it again. Maybe he gave you a shove and you didn’t get hurt. He might shove harder next time. Recognize it for what it is, before that happens. Please.

Some victims of domestic violence think they’ve solved the problem because they became docile or passive after a physical assault and so the violence subsided. Don’t kid yourself. If you have given up your free will and your right to your opinions, you haven’t won. You haven’t solved anything.

Breaking The Code Of Silence

It’s common for the abuser in the abusive relationship to threaten the victim if she should tell anyone or seek help. Sometimes the abuser will refer to “trust” or “honor” and say that no honorable spouse or partner would tell anyone about a “little spat.” He will say he trusts you not to tell. And in this way, you’ll feel you can’t tell anyone, or it will mean you are not trustworthy. This is what you’re up against in getting help. It’s emotional abuse and it’s very difficult to break free.

You may even tell yourself you don’t deserve to be free, or be convinced that your abusive spouse is right and you don’t deserve to be better treated. That’s just him, the abuser, chipping away at your feelings of self-worth so he can have total control over your every thought and deed. Because that is all he cares about. He certainly doesn’t care about YOU.

You may fear that without him, you’ve got nothing and can do nothing of any worth, can do nothing to stay alive. That’s more of him putting you down to make himself feel important. He may call you names, blame you for everything that goes wrong, he may refuse to speak with you and put you in utter isolation, telling you that you are not worthy of his time. And finally, there is the threat that if you tell anyone or try to get help, he’ll hunt you down and hurt or kill you.

It’s very hard to fight these feelings, but you must. That is how you will save yourself.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Economic Blackmail

Here are some of the ways an abusive partner may try to control you by way of money/livelihood:

• He controls your money
• He sometimes or always doesn’t let you have cash or credit cards
• He makes you tell him how you spend your money, down to the penny
• He withholds basic necessities such as food, medicine, clothing, a place to sleep
• He has you on an allowance
• He won’t let you take a job
• He chooses your career
• He does things to sabotage your job (calls you frequently, makes you late to work with his demands)
• He takes your money without permission or steals your things

The Abuser Calls The Shots—As Long as You Let Him

It’s important to note that an abuser can stop his abusive behavior at any time and for any reason. For instance, if he believes that if he doesn’t stop, you will call the police, he will stop—until the next time. He may stop the abuse for awhile after you threaten to divorce him. Abusers can also act perfectly nice and normal when they are around other people. That may make it hard for you to convince people that you are in an abusive relationship. That is why you need to seek help from a professional: someone who knows that abusers can hide their behavior when they choose.

Domestic violence can be done in such a way as to hide the evidence. He may hit you only where it won’t show, for instance on the back or midsection, parts of your body that are normally covered by clothes.

Domestic Violence or Abuse: Cycle of Violence

Domestic abuse tends to follow a classic pattern known as the cycle of violence:

Abuse—the abuser shows you who’s boss by putting you down, yelling at you, or acting violent.

Guilt—after he abuses you, the abuser will show he’s worried he might get in trouble for what he’s done. He knows he’s done something wrong. He doesn’t feel guilty, but admits guilt, and fears getting caught.

Excuses—the abuser will make excuses for his behavior. He didn’t feel well, you were being stupid, anything to evade responsibility for what he did.

Pause in Abusive Behavior—the abuser is on his best behavior. He may pretend the abuse never happened. He may be charming and loving. The behavior is designed to fool the victim into thinking the abuser has changed. (He hasn’t)

Fantasizes, Plans—the abuser begins to think about abusing you once more. He thinks about it a lot, thinking about all the things you’ve done wrong and how he will punish you. He comes up with a plan so he can carry out his fantasy and abuse you.

The Set-Up—the abuser sets up a situation that puts his plan of abuse into action. For instance, he calls you away to do something while you’re broiling his steak for dinner, and it burns. There’s his excuse for insulting and hurting you. You’ve burned his dinner again.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Watch For Signs!

Do you think a friend, relative, or colleague might be in an abusive or violent situation? Here are some signs you might be right:

Signs of Abuse

• She seems afraid of her partner
• She talks a lot about wanting to please her partner
• She asks her partner’s permission for everything
• What the partner says, goes
• Often checks in with her partner to tell him where she is and what she is doing
• Gets lots of loud, demanding phone calls from the partner
• Often talks about her partner having a bad temper, or being jealous

Signs of Violence

• Always having new injuries, calls them “accidents”
• Often absent from the workplace or important classes or occasions without excuse
• Wears clothing or accessories that may be hiding bruises or injuries, for instance sun glasses indoors may hide a black eye

Signs of Isolation

• May not be allowed to see or visit with friends or family at will
• Doesn’t often go out in public without her partner
• May not have free access to the car, money, or credit cars

Signs of Emotional Distress from Abuse

• She has low self-esteem, though she may have once been quite confident
• Her behavior has changed. For instance, she used to be outgoing, is now a quiet loner
• She is depressed, anxious, or talks about killing herself

Speak Up!

If you think your friend, relative, or colleague is in an abusive relationship, say something. You might just save her life. It’s always your business when someone is in danger.

Approach the person, tell her what you’ve noticed. Explain that you are here to support her or listen, whenever she is ready to talk. Let her know that what is said between you, will stay between you. Then tell her about these resources for getting help:

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Here’s Help!

• In the United States, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233)
• In the United Kingdom call Women’s Aid (0808 2000 247)
• In Australia call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732)
• Worldwide visit the International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a list of help lines and crisis centers