Working Together As Parents: When Kids And Their Friends Have Issues

Kids and their friends get into spats. It’s a fact of life. That leaves parents with two questions

1. When should adults step in to mediate, if at all?
2. How do you handle the conversation with the friend’s parents so that the situation is resolved to everyone’s satisfaction?

From my personal perspective as a mother of many children, now spanning the ages of 14-34, I have found that resolving issues with other sets of parents is one of the most challenging parenting issues to arise during the more than 3 decades in which I have been a parent. Maybe that’s why I avoid reaching out to other parents when issues crop up between our kids. But I tell myself it’s not that. It’s that it’s important to give kids a chance to resolve the issues on their own. It’s a learning process. It’s part of growing up.

And I do believe all that to be true. Nonetheless, it’s a scary thing, the first time you approach a parent to talk about your collective kids’ friendship issues.

For one thing, even when you have an excellent, warm relationship with other mothers and fathers, when it comes down to discussing issues between your kids and theirs, you may find that the relationship comes down with a sudden chill.  Some parents are perfectly reasonable on every subject except that of their kids. That’s when the beast steps out of these seemingly normal human bodies, ready to turn your happy little parenting existence into a nightmare of recrimination and blame.

Then again, sometimes it’s you who are approached on the subject of YOUR children. You thought you and your kids were doing pretty well, when all of a sudden, some parent—someone you think of as a normal person in general—comes and tells you that your kid did terrible things x, y, and z.

How should you respond?

I have always taken the tack that if my kids are having issues, I want to know about them and address them. I always try to be pleasant and responsive and take accusations from other parents seriously and follow through by investigating the matter at home. Yet sometimes, it turns out to be the wrong thing to do.

Perfect Little Angels

I’ve found that this is the wrong response unless and until you know that you are dealing with parents who understand that it takes two to tango. If there is an issue between two children, both kids are involved and have work to do to straighten things out. You want to ascertain that the mother you are talking to gets you on this point. You want to ascertain whether she thinks her children are perfect little angels (haloes not included) who never do anything wrong, before you go and examine her accusations about your child.

Because you see, if you leave the conversation and then grill your child, “Did you do so and so?” you want to make sure she’s having that same conversation in HER house with HER children.

Otherwise it’s not fair.

I confess I’ve erred on this point on too many occasions to count. In my desire to help my kids be better friends and people, I’ve rushed to have those serious conversations with my children at the drop of a hat, whenever another mother or father comes to me about a problem (oh, and if this hasn’t happened to you—if a parent hasn’t approached you about YOUR child, don’t worry, it will happen), without making sure that said mother or father is approaching things from a fair and equal perspective: that is to say that the parent in question is also talking to her children and recognizes that kids are kids (and not perfect angels).

You really want to be sure who you’re dealing with before you promise to address his or her complaints regarding your child. Because if it’s THAT kind of parent, you know, the one who births angel children with gossamer wings, you have to take a COMPLETELY different tack.

You have to defend your child no matter what. You have to say, “I’m sure that isn’t true,” even if normally, you’d be quite willing to examine whether or not something someone tells you about your kid is true. You’d want to look at that because you LOVE your kid and you want to help him grow and be the best person he can be.

But you can’t do that when you’re talking to this kind of parent. It’s an attack from someone with a warped perspective. And that is how you have to treat this situation. It’s a terror attack and you can’t give this enemy of your children ANY QUARTER.

That’s when the Mama Lioness in you must come out, claws unsheathed, in full, to put this other parent down HARD.

She’ll Hurt You

If you don’t, she’ll hurt you. She’ll hurt you and your child and the other members of your family. She’ll talk about you to anyone who will listen and call it “venting.”

Her kids come first. Before all sensibilities. Before reason. Before morality.

I’ve been there, done that. Had it out with those kinds of parents.

Unfortunately, these are the kind of parents whose kids are more likely to have problems, in general. Because the corollary here is that if they, the parents, were honest about their own kids’ faults, then that would mean they are ALREADY addressing these issues and you likely would not need to have a conversation with them in any event about anything at all. The best thing you can do in this case is to tell your kids to stop hanging out with THOSE kids and find different friends. For everyone’s sake.

Long story short; don’t be quick to judge your child on another parent’s say-so. At the same time, listen and consider what this parent is saying to you. Does it have the ring of truth? Is it possible it really happened/that your kids said or did this thing? Be polite but be noncommittal unless you are absolutely sure, because of past history, that this is an honest, caring parent who really wants resolution between the parties: who really cares about her child and your child, too.

Test her by bringing up an issue with her child and see how she responds (even if you have to invent one—I know, that sounds awful). Is she automatically defensive?  You want to see who it is you’re dealing with before you have that conversation with your child. If she protests that no, her child couldn’t possible have done that, you’re done. Find a way to politely end the conversation. “Uh huh. I see. So you think my child did x,y,z. Interesting. Uh huh.”

And then go home and tell your kid to find new friends. Or rather, REAL friends. The kind of friends whose parents are bringing them up right.