Why do Some People Make Better Grandparents

Why do some people make better grandparents? You probably pondered the question while watching loving interactions between other sets of grandparents and grandchildren as you’re out with the grandkids in the park. It makes sense: grandparenting is like any other skill set: you check your pulse by watching how others do it.

The problem is that sometimes we may feel like we don’t measure up. So let’s get this out of the way right at the start: We are all individuals.

That’s why it’s important to remember that 0ur grandparent-grandchild relationship might not resemble those of the other people we know or observe. That doesn’t make our own grandparent-grandchild relationship any less deep and meaningful. Our grandparenting relationships are simply different. And that’s okay.

Better Grandparents or Only Better Suited?

Some grandparents and their grandchildren, like the old song says, go together like a horse and carriage: they complement each other well. Other grandparent-grandchild relationships may not go so smoothly. That’s to not to say you don’t love each other. Only that you may need to expend more effort to build a warm relationship.

The ease or difficulty of cultivating the grandparent-grandchild relationship comes down to temperament. You probably knew this intuitively. Two people who are calm and low-key will find it easy to get along. Two people who are happy, outgoing, boisterous and loud, on the other hand, won’t embarrass each other. They’ll feel comfortable in each other’s company. There’s no strain. It’s just so much easier.

So it is with grandparents and grandchildren. A quiet, contemplative grandparent can be a good listener for a grandchild who has a lot to say. A loud, talkative grandparent may embarrass a quiet child, especially if others are around. But the thing is, we don’t get to pick and choose who we are at the core, and grandparents are no exception to the rule.

“Better” Grandparents or Simply Typecast?

Grandparents are individuals, despite the traditional role in which they are often cast in our society. We tend to think of grandparents as benign and kindly. They bake cookies. Maybe they let the grandkids do whatever they want to do. Or perhaps they buy them too many gifts.

That’s the grandparent we all love and know from the storybooks. So when things don’t go like that for us as grandparents—not at all—well, we may feel we’re not up to snuff. And it’s even worse if you live far away from the grandkids and your time together is limited. You want to make the most of that time and sometimes a visit doesn’t go well.

That’s when it’s especially important to recognize that a lot of what happens during a visit comes down to temperament. What is temperament exactly? Temperament is how we deal with ourselves and others and the way we feel and act in relation to various situations. Let’s take a closer temperament and how it might affect our relationships with our grandchildren.

Temperament Classified

Psychologists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess and professor of pediatrics Herbert G. Birch created a classification for infant temperament in 1968.  The researchers identified nine types of temperament that cover the temperament spectrum along a scale of high, medium, and low. Using this temperament scale the researchers hoped to show how such temperaments influence individuals throughout their lives.

Here is the list of the nine qualities of temperament, with questions you might want to ask about your grandchild and about yourself to get a better grasp of your own temperaments:

1. Level of Activity: Are you always on the go, jiggling your feet, and tapping your fingers, or would you rather chillax motionless on the sofa? Are you at your finest in the early morning or are you a “night person?”
2. Level of Self-Regulation: Are you a creature of habit or do you mix it up? Do you eat dinner at the same time every day? Go to bed at the same time? Or do you go with the flow? Is it important to you to be neat and punctual, or does it bother you not a bit to be a few minutes late for an appointment or to wake up to a messy household?
3. Response to New Elements: When you encounter a new person, situation, or object, are you hesitant and reluctant, or enthusiastic? Do you approach or withdraw?
4. Adaptive Behavior: Do you hate change or do you roll with the punches?
5. Threshold of Responsiveness: How long does it take you to react to new situations? Do you catch on quickly or does it take you a while to sense that something has changed and you need to react? For example, loud music doesn’t bother you at first, while the person next to you immediately has to leave the room or put her hands over her ears.
6. Intensity of Reaction: Are you passionately effusive and emotional, or mild, laconic, and laidback?
7. Range of Emotion: Are you a cheery optimist or a pessimist who finds it hard to break down barriers and warm up to people? Are you placid and happy or do you often feel sad and dissatisfied? Are you friendly or kind of cold? Kind and pleasant or cranky and brusque?
8. Level of Distractibility: Are you easily distracted from your work or can you remain focused at length? Are you well-organized or do you prefer to be spontaneous about how and when you tackle responsibilities?
9. Attention Span: Can you listen to long lectures or does your mind tend to wander? Are you able to see tasks through to completion?

Better Grandparents Look for Clues

Thomas, Chess, and Birch were able to break down these traits into further categories to classify individuals as easy, difficult, or slow to warm up. Are you difficult or easy to get to know? Does it take time for you to get to know people or are you comfortable with others right away? This might give you some clues about your relationship with your grandchild. Perhaps it will just take time for the two of you to fall into a cozy, familiar grandparent-grandchild relationship.

Here is where it’s important to remember that temperament is not necessarily good or bad. A person can be very shy and find it hard to attend parties and events, but be a very loving person who is kind and generous. Shyness may get in the way of forming relationships, but once formed, those relationships can end up as strong and dependable as iron. Think about this when you look at your relationship with your grandchild.

How would you classify your own temperament? Your grandchild’s? Are you two peas in a pod or vastly different? Are you perfectly at ease in each other’s company, or do you find it an effort to make chitchat?

Peas In A Pod

If your temperaments are similar, you’re apt to have an easier time of things. Both up at the crack of dawn? Take early morning nature walks together. Love to laze around on a Sunday morning and have breakfast in bed? Get all cozy together and read out loud. Stay in jammies half the day.

Polar Opposites

But let’s say you’re an emotional person and your grandchild is more subdued. Your grandchild may find your natural behavior worrisome and may even be a little afraid of you. You’ll have to find a halfway point at which to meet and it will take more work than the “two peas in a pod” grandparent to grandchild relationship.

On the other hand, if you can find the right balance, you’ll end up benefiting each other in a positive way. Your subdued grandchildren may learn that it’s okay to run through a sprinkler and get wet— that this may even be FUN. Meanwhile, you may learn to pay attention to others before you burst out with a loud, effusive response. You may have to (yikes) moderate your behavior. Just a bit.

Ground Rules are Fine

Are you a neatnik and your grandchild an utter slob? Learn to compromise. But don’t hesitate to insist on at least a few ground rules when your grandchild visits your home. You’ll learn not to care so much about external appearances and your grandchild will learn to be more orderly.

This kind of give and take, as mentioned earlier, can be mutually beneficial, but it’s an ongoing process. It may not be the easiest kind of relationship—the “perfect fit” relationship you’ve always craved and envied—but both of you will gain what you would not have had together if things been as easy as pie.

Note that there is a starting point from which everything flows, and that is all about accepting differences. What you will eventually come to learn from each other is tolerance, and how to play your temperaments off of each other to play your relationship to best advantage. But first must come the acknowledgment that people are different–people are individuals. Without acknowledging differences, you can’t pass go—neither you nor your grandchild. Acceptance is the only path through which you can make your grandparent-grandchild relationship the best it can be.