Getting Teens to Obey You For Their Own Good

Getting teens to listen to their parents can sometimes seem like the easiest job in the world. You lay down the law, they say, “Yes, Ma’am/Sir,” and you breathe a sigh of relief. Until that moment a week or so later when you happen to drive past a group of teens and see your child smack dab in the middle of them, doing exactly what you said she shouldn’t do. What she promised she would never do.

Whether it’s smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, or wearing revealing clothing, you make the rules for a reason. You’re trying to keep your child safe. But being that teens are teens, you never quite know if, when they agree to your dictates, it’s just to shut you up, or if they’re really going to follow through when out of your field of vision.

And that’s scary. It’s a big, scary world out there. And they’re teens. And teens have adolescent brains, which make them take risks.

Getting Teens to Listen

So, what can you do? How can you make them listen to you, really listen to you, and obey your dictates, which, after all, are for their own good. Lisa Bahar, a licensed therapist and clinical counselor who works with clients on parenting says it’s about constantly checking that parental pulse—making sure you stay consistent in your parenting. “Teens are ‘designed’ to rebel at the development stage of adolescence. Consistency and predictability will set the foundation of trust and a follow -through of consequences whether positive or negative.  Therefore, structure and consistency is key to establishing the boundaries.”

Bahar says that parents may not be aware of inconsistency as they take on different and conflicting roles in the lives of their children. A parent who sometimes is a “friend” or acts like a fun sister instead of a mom, isn’t being consistent. This kind of role-switching can cause teens to become confused or even lose respect for the parent.

In a similar vein, parents should resist looking to their teens for approval or to be liked. This has become an unfortunately relevant parenting situation, according to Bahar, especially with parents who have left home to live with someone else, divorced parents, or parents who are substance abusers. Teens need to feel that their parents are adults with appropriate parent/child boundaries.

Therapist Nityda Coleman, who specializes in enhancing communication between teens and parents at TeenTherapyAustin, agrees that listening to teens, rather than demanding obedience, is key. “The word ‘obey’ in my mind implies a more authoritarian household dynamic where the parent is a disciplinarian, much like a dictatorship. Giving your kids harsh rules during their teen years when it is developmentally appropriate for them to seek independence and test the waters as far as things like drugs and sex go, does not work (yes, it is age appropriate for teens to try drugs and experiment with sex. It is not age appropriate for them, however, to abuse drugs, or be sexually promiscuous),” says Coleman.

So if authoritarianism doesn’t work, what does? Coleman lays it out: “Communicating Values, Active Listening, Validation.

“Communicating with your teen your personal values, the family’s values and society’s values, from an early age (although it is never too late to start) gets them thinking about their personal values. And then LISTEN to your teen’s values (let her have a voice). Validate her. Try to avoid telling her that her values are wrong just because they may be different than your own. This fosters independent thinking and confidence and makes a teen more likely to be assertive and act in accordance with her values (which are probably similar to yours) when you are not around.

“Teens may have an attitude sometimes because they are seeking more privacy and independence, but really, teens tend to be their own worst critics. They may already feel unsure of their choices and that it’s hard to say no and assert themselves. This is where parents have high value. As parents, you can listen with an empathetic ear and validate your teen’s thoughts and feelings while also providing information/education in a non-directive way (remember, nobody likes advice that was not asked for, not even your teen).

“You can allow for a safe arena where your teen can assert her opinion without shutting her down or dismissing her thoughts and feelings,” says Coleman, who adds that it’s so much pleasanter for all to take this tack, rather than demanding that teens “obey.” Another benefit to this approach, says Coleman, is that teens are more likely to speak with parents more freely, which should eliminate a lot of the parent’s worry for a teen’s safety, because the parent is thus assured the teen is making good decisions.

Virginia “Ginny” Mills, Founder and Clinical Director of Full Life Counseling, where she also serves as a professional counselor of 20 years plus experience, feels it’s important for teens to have a say in what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. “Perhaps the best way for parents to feel confident that teens are ‘obeying the rules’ is for parents to invite teens to partner with them in deciding those rules. Parents who dictate rules from an authoritarian perspective are far less likely to get compliance than those who engage their teens in meaningful dialogue that allows both parents and teens to share their perspectives about challenging situations. For example, if a parent is concerned about alcohol or marijuana use by their teen’s peers, it is the perfect opportunity to invite non-judgmental dialogue such as, ‘I bet it’s tough to know the right thing to do when you know your friends are using and you know that we aren’t okay with you using drugs or alcohol. What are the kinds of things you think about when faced with those decisions?’

“Those kinds of open-ended, non-judgmental, empathic questions help teens feel safer with honest dialogue,” says Mills. “Parents can still articulate clear limits and expectations but have established a foundation for respectful dialogue.

“The conversation might end with ‘Well, I know it can be really hard to choose to follow our rules instead of the crowd. Just know that we love you and respect you. If you make the decision to use, you know there will be consequences at some point. What do you think the consequences ought to be if we find out that you decided to drink or use drugs?

“‘Ultimately, even though I would hate every minute of it, just know that we won’t bail you out of consequences with the police or other authorities. We’d stand by your side while you face them, but we wouldn’t be doing you any favors if we prevent you from learning those hard lessons early. So just keep that in mind when you’re trying to figure out what to do. And by the way, thanks for trusting me enough to talk this out. That shows a lot of maturity right there.'”

This is the sort of dialogue that Mills suggests parents have with their teens in order to help them see the natural consequences dangerous behavior is likely to engender. Such dialogue is always respectful of the teen, while remaining honest as to consequences for poor decision-making. It also manages to convey love instead of pointing fingers and making authoritarian demands.

Educator and coach Anya Manes, agrees with Mills that partnership is the route to take with teens. “Teens don’t obey rules just because! They break the law; they question moral authorities; they push back against school rules. Teens that follow their parents rules do so because they understand the rules and why the rules serve them. No one likes to have rules imposed upon them, and teens really only follow the rules they agree with.

“This is why abstinence-only education is such a failure.  Comprehensive sex-ed is much better at preventing teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections because it serves the teens rather than imposes rules upon them.

“My tip:  Work out the rules with your teen, in partnership.  If your teen doesn’t agree with the rule, they aren’t likely to follow it.”

Modeling the behavior you want them to have is the right way to raise teens, says Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a psychologist who works with parents and teens. “There’s no bullet proof way to ensure your teen will obey you once they leave your presence; however, there are several things you can do to increase the chances.”

Here are Dr. Fisher’s favorite three parenting tips for cultivating good behavior in teens:

1. Be a positive model. For example, if you want your teen to treat others respectfully when they leave your presence make sure you’re always treating them respectfully.
2. Cultivate the bond. There’s an old saying that rules without relationship lead to rebellion. Therefore, it’s essential to nurture the relationship with your teen, which will make them open to your influence because they won’t want to lose their closeness with you.
3. Intentionally discuss topics. In addition to spending quality time with your teen, be sure to openly discuss topics with them that you feel are important, such as sexual boundaries, substances, etc. Don’t hope they come to the right conclusions on important topics, spend time discussing the topics with them openly.

In short, getting kids to listen and obey is about listening to them, and making them full partners in making the rules. It may not be easy if you are the type of parent who finds it easier to set rules than to listen, but then, no one ever said it would be easy to be a good and effective parent. Listening to your teen may begin with listening to yourself, and catching that demanding tone that teens find such a turn-off.

Once you cede a bit of authority and learn to listen, both you and your teen will find the way forward more pleasant, more open. It will seem like a breath of fresh and cleansing air. It won’t be perfect, and your teen will sometimes engage in behavior that will make your hair stand on end. But you’ll be communicating why you think as you do, and your teen will hear you a lot better, once she knows you’re hearing her, too.

Here’s to keeping them safe until they age out of adolescence! (Without locking them in a closet.)

How do you get your teens on board with the rules you set forth?