How do you tell the kids you’re getting a divorce? Do you present them with a carefully prepared speech filled with phrases suggested by uninvolved experts or do you find your own words? Is there an ideal time to out with this life-changing whammy, or is any time a bad time?
Is there a way to soften the blow?
A good rule of thumb, when talking to children about life-changing events is to imagine one’s self in their position. What is likely to be uppermost in their minds when hearing the news? If your children are like any other children, they will have two main questions:
- Is it my fault?
- How will the divorce change my life?
Now that you’ve pinned down the major concerns, you know what you most need to address when you talk to them. That’s your starting point.
Tell Them Together
As for the setting and the how-to of the discussion, there will only be so much you can control. For instance, it would be ideal
for the two of you to break the news to the children, together. But divorce is not always (or even usually) amicable. It may not be possible to coordinate things in this manner.
A visit with a counselor or a mediator may help you have this conversation about telling the kids together. But if that’s somehow not possible, you may just have to go it alone. At any rate, don’t rush to get it over with. For one thing, you want to make absolutely sure you’re going ahead with the divorce before you tell the kids. On the other hand, you don’t want them to hear it from a stranger or from the kids at school (who heard it from their parents who heard it from the grapevine).
By the same token, you want to tell your kids all at one time. You don’t want one sibling telling the others because that sibling is unlikely to give over the details with the sensitivity and accuracy necessary. Tell the kids in a manner that the youngest will understand. If necessary, talk to the older children later, to clarify the situation for them in an age-appropriate manner.
Express Agreement Not Disagreement
Set the tone by remaining calm but serious. Don’t use the “I” word, but use “we” whenever possible, to show that the divorce is a decision you and your spouse have made together. You don’t want to leave the impression of disagreement, but rather of agreement: the two of you have agreed to divorce. If you remain calm as you break the news, it will help your children come to terms with this life-changing event.
Your kids will want to know why and that’s only natural. But the truth is, the details will likely only confuse them. It’s best and most appropriate to keep your explanation a general as possible. Think about this in advance: what you want to tell them as a general reason for the divorce. Give this a lot of thought, because, for example, if you say, “We no longer love each other,” your kids might wonder if someday you will stop loving them, too. Always think about how your children are likely to respond to what you tell them and use this as your guide.
While the reasons for the divorce should be given over in a general way, the details of how the divorce will change things should be told to the children in as specific a manner as possible. The children should be told if they will have to move to a different location or house. They should know with which parent they will be living and how much they will see of the other parent.
Be Honest
If there are details you don’t yet know, tell them so, but also tell them you will let them know as soon as you know the answer. Be honest about what will change and what won’t. Be honest about what you know for sure and what you don’t yet know for sure.
A child may be very concerned about the parent that will be living apart from him. Here you should go the extra mile to describe the parent’s new living conditions and location. If you have photos, all the better. What the child really wants to know is whether or not a relationship can be properly maintained with the parent who is leaving the home. Here is where reassurance is helpful to your child.
Both parents should let the children know they are not the cause of the divorce. Moreover, it is critical to convey to them that there is nothing they, the children could have done, to stop the divorce. Both parents, should ideally offer the children lots of affection at this time. Make your love tangible to your children so they know they can still depend on this one constant: the unconditional love of both parents for them.
There’s No “Right” Response
Be ready for whatever response you receive. This is not good news, however you want to paint it. In fact, it’s pretty darned devastating. Your children may be too shocked at first to have any reaction at all. They may feel they have to put up a brave face and be nonchalant. Or, they may become very angry, or cry for hours. They may have a lot of harsh words, or none at all. This is a serious and painful event for you and your spouse and it’s also a serious and painful event for your children. Recognize this fact and be accepting, no matter their response to news of the divorce.
If you’ve handled things well until this point, it’s perfectly normal that your kids will have questions. Let them ask whatever they want and give them good honest answers. They may be too shocked at first to come to you with their questions but may want to ask questions later on, as they occur. Be prepared to answer their questions as they come. There is never a point where you can decide that enough time has elapsed, you don’t need to discuss this topic anymore. If a question is asked and even if it is repeated, there is a reason, something left unexplained, at least in the mind of your child.
Time is the magic ingredient you can’t add to your talk. It will take much time for your kids to see what you see about the future. What you can provide them with is reliability and steadfastness. No matter what happens, you are there for them. If they know that, they can cope with the rest.
Time is also necessary to help children fully internalize the idea that the divorce is not their fault. Once the idea does sink in, your children may still feel a strong need to pinpoint a cause for the divorce. They may shift the blame from themselves to one parent or another. A child may even say it out loud, “If you weren’t so overweight, she wouldn’t have left you,” or, “Maybe if you weren’t working all the time, Dad wouldn’t have divorced you.”
Deep Breaths
Take a deep breath when this happens. That’s the hurt talking: a child trying to make sense of a complicated situation when he’s not privy to all the details (nor should he be). You might tell your child, “That sounds like you’re trying to figure things out—how we got to the point of divorce. I think it’s more complicated than that. The main thing to understand is that we both love you very much.”
That may not satisfy your child then and there. But as time goes on, he will invent a narrative that explains the divorce—to himself and others. Your response to his pain and confusion at the time of the divorce will have a great impact on the formulation of that future narrative. If you are understanding and refuse to sling mud at your ex, your child’s account of events will likely be a respectful one (They both loved me dearly but just weren’t meant for marriage/each other), rather than a blame-filled litany (Dad had a wandering eye and Mom wanted to hurt him).
Your children need both parents and they need time, too. They need to feel your steadfast presence and your unconditional love. But no matter how you slice it, this is a difficult time for him and for all of you. Be patient with your children and most of all, be there.
About Varda Epstein
Varda Meyers Epstein serves as editor in chief of Kars4Kids Parenting. A native of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Varda is the mother of 12 children and is also a grandmother of 12. Her work has been published in The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The Learning Site, The eLearning Site, and Internet4Classrooms.