Honesty is the Best Policy (Usually)

Honesty is the best policy, a value we hold dear. And so we teach our children to tell the truth. It’s a clear moral choice we’ve developed as a society.

While honesty is something we appear to cherish, in reality, adults know better than to always tell the truth. There’s room to be flexible. One might lie, for instance, when one is confronted with a pair of Nazi jackboots or some other high-level evil. Most adults know that it’s okay to tell falsehoods to save lives. Many adults are willing to tell white lies to spare the feelings of others (“Does this dress make me look fat?”)

For children still under the age of 10 or so, moral concepts are absolute. Lying is lying and when rules are broken, the rule-breaker must be punished. There are no exceptions. Jean Piaget (1932-1965) called this stage of development, the heteronomous morality stage.

Heinz’s Dilemma

Lawrence Kohlberg (1927-1987), another expert in the field of cognitive and moral development, tested Piaget’s idea using something called “Heinz’s Dilemma,” by posing a complex moral situation to children in various stages of moral development:

The wife of a man named Heinz is dying of cancer. She needs a certain drug to save her life, but it’s priced beyond the financial means of the couple. Heinz manages to save half the money. He goes to the pharmacist and pleads with him for access to the medication for his wife.

The druggist refuses.

Heinz breaks into the pharmacy late at night and steals the drug.

Kohlberg would tell this story to children of different ages and ask follow up questions such as this one: “Do you think it was right for Heinz to steal the medication?”

With Age, Comes Reasoning

As you can see, depending on the age of the children in the video, the responses are different. Very young children see the situation as an absolute: it’s wrong to steal because you might get caught.

As they age, the children begin to reason. One child in the video says, “I understand why he did it, but it’s wrong to steal.”

Parents need to be conscious of the moral development of their children so as to steer them in the right direction and always urge them forward. One reason we work at this as parents is to prevent a situation in which immoral behavior becomes a habit. If a child lies on a regular basis, out of fear of being punished, as parents we need to consider how to change tacks. If a child lies to inflate his reputation as did Prissy in Gone With the Wind, this must be discouraged.

Choosing Honesty

Lying may cause a child to feel discomfort while fear of punishment for lying can further exacerbate a child’s sense of disquiet. While children need conflict in order to learn about conflict resolution, we want them to feel free to speak the truth. We don’t want them to feel so heavy a burden of fear or discomfort that they learn to prefer lies over truth, choosing one level of discomfort over the discomfort of punishment.

In such a case, you may want to look for opportunities to praise your child for speaking the truth. Such positive feedback can go a long way toward mitigating the fear of punishment over telling an untruth. You might also tell your child stories to illustrate that truth takes courage while a lie is often (but not always) the coward’s way out. There are the old fairytales, such as “The Emperor’s New Clothes;” “George Washington and the Cherry Tree;” and “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” You can also search your local library shelves for more contemporary illustrated storybooks that teach moral concepts.

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