Should parents get involved when siblings or playmates begin to fight? A parent’s most natural instinct is to protect a child from harm. That means that when you see your child hurt or hurting, you want to do something about it. It’s a need. You want to get involved.
But before you jump into the fray, think about it: who has the need for this? You or your child? Because no: it’s not always a good thing for a parent to get involved.
Of course it’s hard to watch on as kids fight. But usually, that’s all a parent can do: watch as things play out. Children won’t always handle things as they should, but they will always learn something, even from their mistakes. Think of their mishaps as life lessons best learned through experience—and then sit on your hands. You’ve got to let them learn by doing. Otherwise you run the risk of turning them into dysfunctional adults who cannot read social cues or cope with adult relationship issues.
General Rule: Stay Out of Things
Now that we’ve covered the general rule regarding parental involvement—stay out of things—let’s talk about exceptions to the rule:
1) You Can Talk to the Parents—Whether the issue is big or small, it makes a tremendous difference if you know you can talk to a child’s parents without them going all defensive on you. If you have that kind of relationship with the parents of the kid who’s messing with your kid, by all means, go ahead, talk to them. With parents like this, you can keep things quiet and confidential. You can monitor the situation.
Let’s say, for example, that your child is learning rough language from another child. The fact that you can talk to the parents is great because it gives all of you the opportunity to address the issue and form a plan of action. In this case, the parents might decide to speak with their respective children about inappropriate language.
When relations are not great between sets of parents, however, tread lightly. If you say too much you may betray your child’s confidence. Then again, you don’t want the other kid’s parents to go home and yell at their kid saying, “So-and-so’s parents talked to us about your filthy mouth,” because that will likely only make it worse for both children.
Mutual Input
Whether or not you get involved really does depend on sizing up the parents and making the right decision. Sure, it’s wonderful when parents can talk together and create strategy based on mutual input. But you have to know the parents. You have to know they aren’t the kind of people that would get all huffy and say, “My Larry would NEVER use such language,” and you have to be careful how you frame the discussion to avoid a defensive reaction.
But let’s say you have no choice and you have to speak to a difficult parent. What should you say? How should you begin?
Well, you might say for instance, “Jane has been using more curse words lately. I wonder if you’ve noticed the same thing with Larry?”
Level The Playing Field
In volunteering the information about Jane, you avoid making it sound like their son Larry is the worst kid on earth. You’re leveling the playing field by admitting in your opening gambit that Jane uses this language. That frees Larry’s parents to talk about him with similar candor so you can have a real discussion with proper parenting end goals in mind.
2) Your Child Risks Serious Harm—If your child is small and an older, larger child is beating him up, you need to get involved. If there is a possibility that drugs or guns are part of the equation of what’s eating your kid, you need to get involved. Always, a parent must weigh the risks.
In the case of the bully, it’s your duty as a parent to speak to the faculty or administration of your child’s school if the problem takes place at school. If the problem is a neighborhood problem, you can try to speak to the parents and if that doesn’t work, go to the police. When you attempt to speak to the parents, warn them your next step is the police, if you think that might help them curb their child’s bullying activities.
If drugs are the problem, talk to your child to get a proper picture of the situation. Is there peer pressure? Can your child avoid the drug crowd? Speak to your child about the risks. Tell him about celebrities who have overdosed, like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
When to Get Involved
If you sense guns are in the picture, skip right over the talk and the kid’s parents and go straight to the police. This is nothing to fool with. If ever you had an important role to play as a parent, this is it.
Similarly, if your child seems depressed or is threatening suicide, you have to get involved. Get in touch with a mental professional immediately and let their professional judgment guide your actions. Not sure if it’s really serious? Call that mental health professional, anyway. Better safe than sorry.
It’s never easy deciding when to meddle in a child’s social affairs. The main thing is to make your involvement the exception rather than the rule. Remember: letting them find their own way is how you give them wings.
About Varda Epstein
Varda Meyers Epstein serves as editor in chief of Kars4Kids Parenting. A native of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Varda is the mother of 12 children and is also a grandmother of 12. Her work has been published in The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, The Learning Site, The eLearning Site, and Internet4Classrooms.
Very nice article Varda!!
Thanks, Heather.
Great article, but I would amend it to refer to weapons, or anything else that could cause serious injury, not just guns. There was a situation in a school where an eighth-grader was holding his pocketknife to other students’ throats. My son (who had not been one of the victims) said that the perpetrator was just trying to see how the other kids would react. For some reason, that didn’t reassure me. Fortunately, I was not the only parent who called the school and so I didn’t have to deal with the fallout of my son being the ‘snitch’ — but in this case, I would have done it anyway.
How awful, Karen! I’m glad that other parents helped you succeed in getting the school to sit up and take note. Knives are certainly dangerous and life threatening. I hope that all parents will know when to recognize a serious threat to life and limb and deal with it accordingly. Thanks for reading and commenting.