10 Ways to Keep Angry Mommy Away

Angry Mommy is the mommy you shouldn’t be, but sometimes you can’t help it. That is if you’re like most mothers. Kids push your limits when they’re small, because they’re testing their boundaries as independent people. Teenagers can mouth off and otherwise rebel and it can be very difficult to keep your parental cool.

But keep your cool, you must.

The reason? Part of being a parent is teaching children self-control. Mostly, parents do this by modeling self-control for their children (like by not getting angry in front of them).

The flipside of this? It’s when a parent loses his temper as a way to manage the child’s behavior. When that happens, it’s as if the parent is saying, “I’m out of control. I need you to behave so I can feel better.”

Angry Mommy = Damaged Psyches

In fact, experts have found that when parents express lots of anger in front of children, it can cause real damage to their psyches. Children who grow up around a lot of parental anger tend to be less caring for others,  more aggressive, and more likely to become depressed than kids from calmer homes. Kids from angry homes also tend to have  a poor academic showing.

If you think about it, losing it in front of a child means teaching that child to get angry whenever things don’t go as expected. It means teaching children not to adapt to situations, to the world they live in, but to become very angry instead. That’s according to Matthew McKay, Ph.D., a coauthor of When Anger Hurts Your Kids, a book that details a two-year study of 285 parents and their children and how anger affects them. “Anger has a way of undermining a kid’s ability to adapt to the world,” says McKay.

But parents are human and sometimes they are short on patience. Also, sometimes the things kids do can light a fuse. How can a parent keep it together?  Here are some practical suggestions for keeping your cool:

1) Imagine your child as a baby. Yes, really. When your teenager is being obnoxious, try to bring up a mental image of him as an adorable babbling baby with a mostly toothless grin. Your aim is to reconnect to that all-encompassing love you had for your infant. That memory should bring you out of Angry Mommy mode and back to your sweet loving self in no time. Back to your senses, which tell you that teenagers are definitely obnoxious and that this too, shall pass.

2) Leave the scene. When you feel anger coming on, it’s best to walk out of the room and calm yourself. Obviously, this isn’t going to work if you’re out and about with your 9 year-old at the mall. But if you’re home and you feel Angry Mommy about to play a visit, go into another room. It’s about regaining your calm and bringing you back to reality. Anger keeps you from thinking logically. Getting a break, some distance from the situation, can help reset the brain circuits.

3) Ask yourself what your child needs. When your child is driving you up the wall and you feel Angry Mommy coming on, try to think why your child is acting this way, instead of wondering why she’s doing this to you. Is she acting obnoxious because she’s worried about something? Is she tired, cold, hungry, dying of boredom? She’s got to be acting this way for a reason. Think if there is something you can do to help her out of it, (instead of freaking out).

4) Document your anger. Get a notebook and write in it. What time did you lose your temper? What made you lose your temper? You are watching for patterns. Once you know your Angry Mommy triggers, work to minimize them. For instance, if it’s having to nag the kids to take out the garbage, talk to the kids about it. Tell them how it makes you feel and see if together you can come up with a workable solution. In this way, you’re teaching kids to deal with issues in a constructive and positive way (as opposed to shrieking and cursing, for instance).

5) Keep private matters private. Married couples have conflicts. It’s a fact of life. Instead of getting angry in front of the kids, have the conversation in a private spot. If you’re too angry to resolve the issue calmly, walk away and discuss it later when you’re no longer hot with anger. At a time when the two of you are calm, figure out private signal that says, “Let’s discuss this later and not when the kids are around.”

6) Take a deep breath—several of them. This is the alternative to leaving the scene. Like when you’re in the car in a traffic jam and your child begins to whine, “I want to go home. I want to go hooooooome!” (Like you don’t??) Angry Mommy wants to lash out. But deep breathing can really make a difference. Keep on taking deep breaths until you know what to say and how to say it to your child in a calm voice.

7) Deal with it—the child’s behavior, that is. When your child is doing something she shouldn’t, for instance, grabs a toy out of another child’s hand, you may want to call out, “Give it back to her right now.”

Instead, think of your child’s behavior as presenting you with a chance to offer a lesson: a teachable moment. It may seem easier to yell, but it takes just as much effort to correct your child’s behavior. You’ll both feel better if instead of yelling, you explain why grabbing another child’s toy is wrong and then patiently encourage your child to give the toy back and apologize.

8) Lower your voice. When you feel like yelling, whisper instead. Or at least speak at a lower volume. Getting your voice under control is the first step in getting your Angry Mommy under control. Besides, when you speak softly, it forces your child to try harder to understand what you’re saying. You won’t have to scream to get her attention and make her listen. Instead, she’ll have to be quiet to hear you and is a lot more likely to grasp what it is you want from her, more quickly. You’ll both feel better.

9) Get organized. Kids need regular meals and enough sleep just like you. When they don’t get what they need, when they need it, they get cranky. And when they get cranky, it grates on your nerves and makes it hard for you to stay calm. That’s when Angry Mommy threatens to make an appearance. Just making sure your child is fed on time and regularly gets enough sleep will keep you on an even keel. So if your child is cranky a lot of time, look at the way you’re organizing her environment, and see if there’s room for improvement.

10) Slow down and remember that this is what kids do. Kids are going to rebel and test your limits. Because that is what kids do. Part of raising kids to be kind and effective adults is to remember this, whenever we feel like angry steam is about to erupt from our noses and ears. We knew this when we decided to have kids: that sometimes kids misbehave and how we respond makes a difference to how they will be as adults and then parents themselves. If you can get a grip on your anger long enough to remember this, then you should be able to give Angry Mommy a forceful push away as you come back to yourself, Calm, Patient Mommy.

So let’s say that in spite of reading this (and sticking it to your fridge with a magnet for future reference), you got angry at your child. It’s natural to feel as though you failed. You may even feel like shifting the blame to your child: “If you hadn’t done that/acted like that, I wouldn’t have lost it.”

Don’t do that. Do not be that person. Instead, take responsibility for your loss of control. Tell your child in a matter of fact tone how you feel. “Your poor behavior is a disappointment. But it was wrong for me to yell. I’m sorry about that.”

Move On

And then move on. Don’t make this a big deal. If you do, you are giving your child entirely too much power. By the same token, if you continue to dwell on your child’s behavior, she’ll get the point: it’s all her fault you lost it. Not the message you want her to receive. In fact, what you’re trying to show her is that our behavior is in our own hands.

We are all responsible for our own behavior.

Including Angry Mommy.